A Rant About Tanks 2: Electric Boogaloo

Jae’s Note: Guest post. Again I’m sorry, but you all seem to love them anyway, enjoy.

Warning: I swear, a lot.

Recently, between the time I’ve been levelling my new rogue in WSG (mother FUCK hunters), playing random Xbox games I’ve rented from Love Film, finding out ‘Star Wars: The Force Unleashed’ or ‘Dragonball Z: Star Wars Edition’ as I call it is a boring, twitchy, rush written sack-o-crap that made me sad to my core. Playing KoTOR again to feel less sad about the Star Wars franchise, before sadly re-watching Episode One and remembering there is no more hope or God in the world, watching all 6 series of Hell’s Kitchen USA because the idea of a show where an insane OCD Scotsman with anger issues shouts at Americans is like Christmas and Ramadan rolled into one. Shouting at people in call centers who for some reason think EE sounds like 13D due to the fact their parents must have been drinking a mix of paint and powdered idiot when pregnant with the little cock smiths and generally being annoying to my poor dear girlfriend, I’ve been subtlety that it’s rude to put “part 1” on something then proceed to ignore it while I play Mass Effect again as Renegade (“this girl appears to have deep emotional scarring and is mildly psychotic, shoot her in the face with a  sniper rifle before I beat you to death”-Commander Kari “Skullfucker” Shepard).

So anyway, back to the point, I think I had one – AH YES, Tanking. I’ll be looking at a few of the aspects of tanking when I can be dragged away from the nothing I normally do. Today I look at the joy that is dealing with you arseholes in the greater world, no I’m not insulting anyone in particular, just most DPS and healers don’t seem to know the cardinal rule that is at the heart of all the good tanks out there, one of the two simple rules that deal with everything we do and stand for in the World of Warcrafts, these rules are simple:

  • Use your hurty attacks to make the mean people not kill everyone.
  • Every last healer and DPS is a wanker.

Rule 2 is the rule I will be explaining today (mind at some point if I get fed enough white chocolate cookies I might do an in-depth guide to rule 1 when levelling your new paladin).

On the WoW forums at the moment there are several topics complying that most tanks think they’re some kind of perfect being, and that anyone else is lesser scum only fit to bask in our almighty glow. Now in my case this is correct, but for the rest this is just a misunderstanding. I won’t judge the tanks who I will call “DPS that respecced for an instant queue” or “death knights” as they’re known, most tanks are simply just jaded, hate-filled husks bored of dealing with “them”. What’s “them” I hear you ask random person reading a blog who never actually said that but I will ‘cause it keeps the post flowing? It’s that DPS/Healer that ruins everything, it’s that being whose mere existence is enough to make me so angry I could punch all Hannah Montana in her stupid fucking face and then eat her empty Disney owned soul, it’s the person who has 2 DPS settings, slow and offline. If you still don’t know what I’m on about, it’s you.

If you’re still struggling with this concept, you’re an idiot, here’s a guide.

Please note, this is also a cheat, if you are a DPS, please replace the word ‘Tank’ with ‘DPS’ and if you’re a healer, sorry mate you’re on your own, LOSER.

1) GOGOG Gang.

I realise this is a bad place to start, this is meant to be a sarcastic take on what people do, not an all out rant, but fuck you guys, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I usually pull my heroics at a speed that closely resembles sonic on meth, but even then I get told to gogog by the DPS which I’ve covered below. How is my 20 seconds to buff and get a food buff going to affect your day of queuing and whacking off to drawings of the Lost cast, you annoying temple of arse.

2) ‘How do I mine for fish???’ Brigade.

They say you should gear for what you want to do not what you do, which is why I’m wearing crotchless pants. These are the people from whom the concept of learning while levelling, or just the basic concept of learning is as foreign as the concept that caps doesn’t make you sound louder when reading it. The people who manage 1400 DPS with t10, the people who spam AoE on single targets, the tanks with 20 parry gems, healers with 10mp5 gems, the 0/0/71 specs and the meleeing hunters. The people who when you question them say they’ve played since classic and they have Heroic Lich King on their full Heroic sanc geared mains in Paragon(see 7) and that you’re just a scrub to him, these fucking wastes of sperm.

Okay don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of these people are just new or don’t know better, who when told so will change or learn. Not these people, I like them, they’re blank pages for me to print my horrible manifesto of pain and hatred upon, to further my dark plans for this smeg pile of a planet. I mean the fucking idiots who can learn, but are so far up their own arses that they are at least 30% Nickleback. ((JAE APPROVES OF NICKLEBACK MOCKING)) I don’t care if you’ve been playing since classic, it just means you’ve been shit at something for 5 years, now stop using Arcane Missiles as your main DPS spell and sod off.

3) Need offspec cunts.

Ask, ASK, “Hey, anyone need this? I could use it for my offspec.” Don’t just blindly need, if the tank that has been farming that trinket in normal Trial for weeks and you need it ‘cause you “MIGHT do some tanking at some point but probably not”, then well done, you’re worse than Hitler.

4) <AFK>

Not a word is needed. If you do this I hope a fox eats your child. (too soon?)

5) No speaka the engalnds.

I’m not going into BNPesque “YOU IN OUR COUNTRY SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE”, but you’re on an English server – pony up and stop speaking moonspeak before I start spamming Welsh, AND YOU DON’T WANT THAT, TRUST ME, IT SOUNDS LIKE A COW IS EATING AN APPLE.

6) XxKillerDKSweXx

Not Swedish people but “these” names, the people with names that have their nationality or are the same names as ANYONE from a Shounen Jump manga or the names that features more than one of the same letter unless that’s the make up of that word, need to fuck off, have a proper name like me, Ryyus…

OH SHI…

7) My main has/is X.

No it doesn’t, it has t9 and at the most ‘of the Nightfall’. Go away.

8) ^_^ =DDD!!!! <3!1

Ah smilies, I know this has nothing to do with DPS, but you know what, this is my blog post so if you feel like complaining, BLEH.

Stop it, just, stop it, you’re not a cat, you’re not Kirby, you’re not Asian, if you are, you’re not an Asian cat. If you say something sad, or happy, or zany, you don’t need to then back it up with a rough estimate of your face if you were to over act your current emotion while having a stroke. If I wanted to see that I’d watch a Michael Bay film. ((JAE APPROVES OF MICHAEL BAY MOCKING))

I don’t know if it’s just me and my cold, dark, dead heart, wanting to threaten puppies in front of their owners and spending my time looking for Derrick Bird jokes, but this concept annoys me.

Simcraft)Simcraft

SIMCRAFT

SIMCRAFT

SIMCRAFT

SIMCRAFT

SIMCRAFT

SIMCRAFT

Sorry that last one is nothing to do with anything, but on the whole if you come under any of these groups, then you are a bad person. How bad? Derek Smart bad. If you look at any of these arcetypes and think, “This represents me.” Then you are a terrible person and will die alone.

Oh, wait, I’ve said literally nothing about tanks… This is probably the worst post about tanks since the World of Raids paladin tank guides.

Anyway that’s me done, this has been fun, well I say fun, it’s been good, well I say good, it’s been bearable, well I say bearable – Kill me with a hammer.

To paraphrase Mr Brooker: There’s the post, now Go away.

Ryyu

16 thoughts on “A Rant About Tanks 2: Electric Boogaloo”

  1. Oh lord and this is why I quit the tanking gig at 30 already. This behaviour has crept down to even Ragefire Chasm and is making me want to punch people in the face. Repeatedly. I try to be a nice healer though and still think tank sets the pace and runs the show, so everyone else can stand in the back and behave (and end up on my ignore list if they don’t).
    Arithe recently posted..My antlered skull, it drools on my keyboard

    1. Indeed! Stand at the back pressing hurty buttons leaving the job of “be insulted a lot” to the other people with way way more guts than I have!

  2. I once met the lead singer of Nickleback, never have i met a human being so totally in love with himself, he said “fuck you” and walked off when i said his album was “Average” and that I much preferred Songs for the deaf.

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